Friday, November 7, 2008

The scariest post I've ever written.

Thank you to everyone who has already voted and posted a comment about writing. You confirmed what I had been thinking and that is what I needed to hear. Ok, I'm sitting here and my heart is beating so fast that I can barely stand it, but I need to get used to this so here it goes...

I am going to post the opening of my book. Just remember that this is still a draft and I'm not making any changes until the whole story is on paper. I am interested in feedback though. Questions, suggestions, even if you just don't get it. I know that it will all help in the end. I'm just not used to letting people read my writing. My friend Laura is the only one who has read anything, and it included this passage.

"Talia awoke to the sound of screams. As she opened her eyes she saw a man sitting across from her. They were in a transport with heavily tinted windows. She looked closer at the man and could not remember ever meeting him.

“Who are you?”

“Lynel Geofrey. We’re going to die aren’t we?” The man barely whispered, making it hard for Talia to hear him over the screaming.

Talia moved over to the window to look out. She saw a crowded city street with tall buildings lining both sides. People were running in and out of buildings. Some of them dragging their children or pets with them, others seemed only concerned about themselves as they tried to escape whatever horror was following them. Most of the people were trying to get into transports, but even those who succeeded in that endeavor became grid locked before take-off. As she looked upward she saw thousands of transports bumping into each other as they tried to escape from the city.

A new sound came to her and she turned to look down the south end of the street. At first she could only hear a buzzing sound followed by short high pitched bursts, and then she began to see streaks of red light flying through the crowd. Each time she saw the light, people would explode into a fiery ball. She watched as the creatures came into view and vaporized every man, woman and child in the street.

Some transports managed to get away, but most were vaporized in just a few seconds. It was neat and clean, for a war. No blood, no mangled piles of burning metal. The buildings were not even damaged. Just dust falling through the air.

Talia waited inside the transport, praying that she would not be seen. But, once all life on and above the street had been wiped out, the creatures turned to her hiding place, and smiled. They know that I am here. They were looking for me. I am the prey they hunt.

A new terror took over and Talia’s only desire was to escape. She threw open the door and ran. The creatures aimed and fired. Talia burst into red and orange flames just before she melted into nothing."


AZ Larsens said...

Okay, now that is what I call a hook!!!

Ellenamo said...

Whoa! Now I really want to know what happened to Talia! I do a lot of editing in my job, so my suggestions would mostly be along that vein. You're probably not even thinking about editing yet, but let me know if you want any help when you get to that point. Great story so far!

edith said...

You're so brave!
I really liked how active the story is. And I already feel like I know something about your characters.
The only thing I noticed is that the transition to her inner voice in the second to last paragraph was not apparent. Could you put her thoughts in quotes or italics?
I'm so excited for you to reach this goal!

flori said...

You're so awesome. I want to keep reading! Post more!

Amy and the boys said...

Wow Charity. Way to go on this goal. It is so hard to put yourself out there. I didn't understand what a transport was and then I realized it was a sci-fi kind of story. I agree with Edith about the transitioning thing. Will we get to read the next part one day? :)